Just who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way..
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them..
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
These guys set up a dummy to make people think its a real trick or treater in costume
This is the funniest shit I've seen in a long time!! AWESOME!
You're An EXTREME Redneck When....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
This is it!
She threw the ball at me.
It was headed straight for my EYE!
I narrowly avoided blindness by ducking rapidly and rolled out of the
way.
I screamed, "You almost hit my eye!"
She replied, "So, you have two!"
Samples
Here are some lowbrow examples I pulled from another site... Enjoy.
I was riding the DC Metro to work like I did every day and took my
seat on the train leaving from Shady Grove. There were maybe two other
people on the car. I settle in and pull a paperback out. Just then I
feel something warm and wet strike my cheek. It drips down and
spatters on the page of my book.
???
I glance over to see a woman breastfeeding her baby.
She looks back and sneers. "Stop staring at my tits!"
"My friend insisted upon taking me to a bra store to get "fitted". Why
I ever agreed, I'll never know. The woman at the shop told me my
current size was all wrong , and continued on , in her nasal, loud
voice, that one breast was "significantly smaller" than the other. And
that I should take this into account while buying a bra. Maybe she
should take into account that I always wear steel toed boots before
yelling across a crowded store about my lopsided titties..."
My friends were so drunk one night that we convinced them to act like
dinosaurs. They spent the next hour walking around crouched, acting
like velociraptors... They actually attacked the pizza guy -
ivegotproblems@hotmail.com
I went to break up with him, and when he saw me he ran inside and
locked the door.
I left.
Haven't talked to him since.
Ah, closure.
- redeyedfrenzy@aol.com
Desperate times call for the use of an Ice cream scoop to eat cold
soup straight from the can.
- TripleForteX@aol.com
When I was 4 my parents explained the facts of life to me. Since I
called my father poppy, it was only logical that sperm was refered to
as "The Poppy Seed". When I was 15 or so, I recalled this little term
and since then have not been able to look at, let alone EAT, a poppy
seed.
- vibrations@electricpenis.com
Life is like a monkey with ebola. One day your swinging your arms
everywhere trying to make it in this crazy world. The next day your
doing the same thing. But with Ebola.
- swallowtillburst@hotmail.com
I didn't check but i'm sure I left an ass print on her bedroom mirror
as I leaned against it while she was sucking me off.
- richard.richard@excite.com
You know what was great? Two tacos for a dollar at Taco Bell. Two
bucks and you had dinner.
Every night.
- magicchex@hotmail.com
I get AOL and they hae all these chatrooms. I'm not sure what they're
all about so I go in one and one of the first things I ever see typed
is, "Sometimes when I'm bored I put a cape on my penis and solve
mysteries."
One day I stumple across the Weather chatroom and I wonder "What the
hell could possibly be going on in there?" so, I go in expecting to
see people chatting about wind shear and super cells and thermal
events and the first thing I see is some person asking, "Can my farts
change the weather?" Before I even think about it, I answered, "Let
me go get my penis cape and we'll find out."
Oh god, I think I'm one of them now.
bagofrats@aol.com
Do post-adolescent goths just wake up one afternoon realise "Holy
fuck, it was just a phase!", put on some Dockers, and go to work in
the human resources departments of multi-nationals or something? I
don't see any old goths around.
Maybe they all just evenually die from a vitamin d deficiency.
- Titusgoldfish@yahoo.co.nz
If you're getting interviewed for a "food service industry" position,
when you're asked why you want to work for them, it's not a good idea
to make your eyes get big and starry and go
"I... like... food"
- redeyedfrenzy@aol.com
I trained my little rat dog (italian greyhound..think of the racers,
but 12 lb) to attack SOCK PUPPETS!!!
now he stares at my friends' feet after they take off their shoes
just shaking
waiting
with anticipation
- Duchessfny@mail.com
When I was younger (like, in middle/high school) I loved to steal. I
once stole a chair out of a computer class by disassembling the chair
into smaller parts, then putting them into my bag and my friend's bags
and carrying the chair out during "bathroom breaks" to finally
reassemble it in the cafeteria. I made the teacher from the same
class cry later by telling her she was a terrible teacher.
I stole mouses and keyboards from the same class. I stole scissors,
staplers, 3-hole punches, pens, pencils, stacks of paper, books,
book-ends, and everything else you could imagine. All from my school.
I had a friend for a while who loved to go through my book bag after
school and sort out the heavy shit I had stolen that day, and then on
the ride home he would toss it out the car window at middle schoolers
walking home.
That same friend, and one more friend, all came with me when we stole
the school's security camera system. We loved to ditch school,
especially around lunch, but they had recently installed cameras
watching the parking lot. One night we got a pair of huge hedge
clippers and a baseball bat and snuck around behind the school. We
found a way up onto the roof, climbed up and cut the wires on the
cameras, then knocked them off with the bat. We dragged them to a
nearby pond/bog and threw them in. The school later installed cameras
that were a few feet down the side of the building, and thus
impossible to knock off, but not before I graduated.
so a guy goes to the drugstore, he says 'i need some condoms for my 15
year old daughter' druggist says 'your daughters sexually active at
age 15?' he says 'nah she just lies there like her mother'
i was cooking up a big batch of chicken when some friends came over.
i had my plate and gave them all a sample. i stuck leftovers in the
fridge.
i got off work early the next day, and came home to one of my friends
in the kitchen. the fridge was wide open and he had his mouth full of
leftover chicken.
he broke in.
my food's that good.
Hope that's enough food for thought. Cuz DAMN! :)
Was reading about heroin today. On top of the supposed euphoria it provides,
it also diminishes appetite. Things are bad when you're considering heroin
as a weight-loss method. I only want to lose 10 pounds. Jesus Christ.
